As a teenager it drove me crazy that my father would never apologize to me. Ever. Even when something was obviously his fault. I swore to myself that I would be more intellectually honesti, that I would admit when I was wrong. That emphasis on intellectual honesty gave me a scientific bent and took me to engineering college, and to grad school. For 12 years I unquestioningly assumed the virtue — and importance — of intellectual honesty. Coincidentally, I also spent most of those years working alone.
Now that I've worked in teams for a while I'm starting to change my mind. In many social situations being apologetic sucks. It makes others around you feel awkward. If you're leading a team it makes you seem weak. If you're the rookie you sound like you're making excuses. If others aren't intimately familiar with the details it can magnify your screwups and make things seem worse than they are. And always it's a distraction, diluting your focus and that of your team. I'm learning to not apologize until it's clearly expected. Better to err on that side.
All this may seem crazy obvious to you. Apologizing isn't really part of western culture. I can remember others telling me dozens of times, "don't apologize." Somehow it never sunk in. Perhaps it's not even an eastern thing, just a personal fetish.
Looking back, I have a different perspective on my father. I realize he was an army officer who spent much of his day telling subordinates what to do. You can't be apologizing in that situation. You just don't think about whose fault it was, because the entire focus is on adjusting to a constantly-changing situation, and on what needs to be done next. I want that mindset. comments
- Evan R. Murphy, 2011-04-26: This is a topic that I think about often. Weaving in the story about your father made your take especially interesting.
I've followed the same trajectory as you, starting as a devout apologist ;) and then learning to moderate. And I largely agree with your point of view in this post.
To play devil's advocate though, I think your first paragraph illustrates that not apologizing can be a "distraction, diluting your focus" as well. It reveals how a person can become deeply upset and fixated when they don't receive the apologies they feel they're entitled to.
So maybe us over-apologizers have to aim toward under-apologizing in order to apologize just the right amount. But the latter is where the rub is.
- Kartik Agaram, 2011-04-26: Heh yeah, since I'm willing to apologize I tend to hold others to the same standard of 'intellectual honesty'. It may be a more general correlation for us over-apologists; it has certainly caused me grief in the past. I resolved at some point to strive for more perspective, go think about other things when I feel 'wronged'. My new mantra is "If you need an apology you don't deserve it." But I haven't won this battle yet.
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